An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owne r.
Older Woman: Murdered the ! owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The offi cer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license..
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Never Be Late!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Friday, October 17, 2008
School friend
1 day I was in history (with a renowned dragon of a teacher) sitting next to my best mate. I was just out of hospital mentioned before, with crutches & leg in plaster so was allowed out 5 mins early to get down the stairs before the seething herd.
This one day my best friend KEEPS on releasing God awful silent farts while his guts keep rumbling LOUDLY like a school of whales. I kept berating him for the stench every 5 minutes.
I'm allowed to go, leave my things on the desk for him to bring and start hop-a-hopping down the steps. I get about 5 steps down when I clearly hear a MASSIVE ripping FART from the room and a chorus of "UUUUUURGGGGGHHHH!" (some people claim the windows rattled).
Said friend RUSHES past me, briefly stopping to say "I've been sick!". "No shit" I think as he has chunks plus liquid on his chin which weren't usually there. He rushes off in panic to the nearest loo.
Apparently he just stood up, involuntarily let loose a fantastic ripper, vomited all over the desks and shat himself LOL! (Well, not sure if he actually shat through to the public side of his trousers, but it sounds good, right? ;-) )
Other mean friends were not helpful in retrieving my things on account of them now being under a thin layer of instant soup substitute. I had spaghetti bolgnese for dinner that day which was somehow not as enticing as normal.
This one day my best friend KEEPS on releasing God awful silent farts while his guts keep rumbling LOUDLY like a school of whales. I kept berating him for the stench every 5 minutes.
I'm allowed to go, leave my things on the desk for him to bring and start hop-a-hopping down the steps. I get about 5 steps down when I clearly hear a MASSIVE ripping FART from the room and a chorus of "UUUUUURGGGGGHHHH!" (some people claim the windows rattled).
Said friend RUSHES past me, briefly stopping to say "I've been sick!". "No shit" I think as he has chunks plus liquid on his chin which weren't usually there. He rushes off in panic to the nearest loo.
Apparently he just stood up, involuntarily let loose a fantastic ripper, vomited all over the desks and shat himself LOL! (Well, not sure if he actually shat through to the public side of his trousers, but it sounds good, right? ;-) )
Other mean friends were not helpful in retrieving my things on account of them now being under a thin layer of instant soup substitute. I had spaghetti bolgnese for dinner that day which was somehow not as enticing as normal.
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